L's Pregnancy
by UltraVioletSpectrum
Summary: L notices he's been gaining weight lately, and Near points out to him that he is, in fact, pregnant. Insanity ensues. Rated T for breif mild language and suggestive themes. Slight OOC. R&R, please! HIATUS.
1. Episode 1

INT.- KIRA INVESTIGATION HQ COMPUTER ROOM- Afternoon- EST.

FADE IN

L is sitting in an office chair by the computer desk, flanked by LIGHT, who is typing hastily with his eyes glued to the screen. L looks a bit agitated for some reason. He keeps looking down at his stomach periodically, furrowing his brow in frustration every time he does. L growls in his throat suddenly, resting his chin on his fit, elbow resting on the table.

LIGHT:  
(stops typing, turns to face L)  
Is something wrong, Ryuzaki?

L:  
Yes. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

LIGHT:  
Well, what is it? Did one of your plans fail for once?

L:  
Don't be ridiculous, my plans never fail. (LIGHT rolls his eyes at this statement.) I'm actually gaining weight.

LIGHT:  
(is clearly unimpressed)  
So?

L:  
(surprised)  
'So'? What do you mean, 'So'?! I've never gained any weight in my life! (points to his stomach) Look!

LIGHT:  
(leans over to examine L's said stomach fat. After a beat)  
I think you're overreacting, Ryuzaki. I don't see anything.

L narrows his eyes, looking a little annoyed. He pulls up his shirt to reveal his pale, now slightly protruding stomach. LIGHT's eyes widen in surprise at L's newly gained weight.

LIGHT:  
(sheepishly)  
Oh.

L:  
(pulls down shirt)  
It's really been annoying me! I feel like… I'm pregnant, or something!

NEAR has unnoticeably entered the scene, putting papers away and taking some as well. He is carrying a folder under his arm, and looks impassive like he usually does.

NEAR:  
(blankly, without looking at L)  
That's because you are.

L:  
(turns to NEAR)  
Ha. Ha ha ha. Very funny, Near. Please be quiet, I'm trying to panic over here. (Turns away from NEAR)

NEAR:  
(looks at L)  
No, I'm serious, you are.

L:  
(stares blankly into space for a moment, then slowly turns to NEAR, eyebrow cocked in bewilderment)  
What?

NEAR:  
(shrugs)  
I'm sorry, but I'm not kidding. You are officially pregnant.

There is an awkward silence. Abruptly, L and LIGHT burst into hysterical laughter, much to NEAR's dismay. He narrows his eyes in frustration, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

L:  
(recovering from laughing fit)  
Oh, Near! You are truly hilarious! You had me fooled for a second. It's just a little malfunction in my system is all, and I gained a pound or two. No big deal, really. Then again, I'll have to start exercising and—

NEAR:  
(sourly)  
Ryuzaki, I'm not joking. You, honestly, are pregnant. End of story. Period.

L:  
(dumbstruck)  
…Oh my God. I'm carrying a child in my… wait a minute, since when?

NEAR:  
(a little awkwardly)  
Uhm… where to begin… okay, you remember when Watari forced you into going to the doctor's for an appointment?

L nods reluctantly, apparently not liking the memory.

NEAR: (CONT'D)  
And you remember how they needed that urine sample from you?

L scrunches up his nose in disgust, and nods reluctantly again.

NEAR: (CONT'D)  
Yeah… well, they mixed up your sample with another person's there on the same day; a lady's to be exact. The woman thought she was pregnant at the time, and the doctors recommended they do a pregnancy check. Uh… they thought her result came out positive… but they found out later that the sample was yours… so…

L:  
(utterly shocked; panicking)  
Holy crap! I'm freaking pregnant! (runs fingers through hair nervously, pointing around the room and making random hand gestures.) B-b-but, you, I, he, and-and-and… HUH?!

NEAR:  
(shrugging)  
I don't know what to tell you, Ryuzaki. I wish I did, but I don't.

L:  
But, wait! I can't be pregnant! I'm a man!  
(beat)  
…Aren't I? (pulls on waistline of pants, looking down to genital area.)

NEAR rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the gesture. LIGHT does a facepalm, muttering things like "Oh God…" and "That is just plain wrong…"

L: (CONT'D)  
Yeah! I'm a man! Women are the ones who get pregnant, not the males! So your logic doesn't make any sense, Near.

NEAR turns around to pull papers out of his folder, which he had set on the computer desk earlier. While NEAR has his back to him, L immaturely sticks out his tongue at him.

INSERT- PAPERS

NEAR:  
Here, let me show you. (gives papers to L, who flips through them looking bewildered) See? Men can just as easily have children as women.

L:  
(throws papers onto the floor, much to NEAR's dismay)  
Ugh! I can't believe this is happening to me! (looks down at stomach again, pressing on it with fingers) Where's the baby even _at_?!

LIGHT:  
And not only that, who's the father?

L:  
Yeah! Just who was the moron who gave me this… _thing_ inside of me?

NEAR:  
(turns to both of them, smiling nervously.)  
Do you _really_ want to know?

L: LIGHT:

__

Hell

yes! _Hell _yes!

NEAR:  
Okay… here goes… Light.

LIGHT:  
Yeah?

NEAR:  
No, it's you.

LIGHT:  
What?

NEAR:  
(the slightest bit flustered)  
You! _You_ are the father!

LIGHT:  
(very shocked, gaping. After a beat)  
_I'm_ the father?

NEAR:  
Yes. Yes, you are.

LIGHT:  
(still gaping, after a beat)  
_Me_? _I_ am the father?

NEAR:  
(becoming quite annoyed)  
Yes!

LIGHT:  
(after a short pause)  
_I'm_ the fath—

NEAR:  
(loses temper, yells)  
_Yes_! Yes, you _are_ the father! I've said it four times, do NOT make me repeat myself!

LIGHT:  
…How the hell did this happen?

NEAR:  
I don't know! It just did, okay?

L:  
Good God, this isn't happening! I'm freaking pregnant, and Light's the father! (buries face in hands, shaking his head, words are muffled) Why, oh, why, oh, why? Why me? Why me?

NEAR:  
(puts hand on L's shoulder)  
Don't worry, Ryuzaki. I'll go through with this with you. Light will too… but that's a given, seeing as he's the father.

L:  
(looks up)  
Really?

NEAR:  
You have my word for it.

L:  
Oh, thank God! You're a real life-saver, Near. Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel like my bladder is going to explode if I don't do something about it. (Gets up and leaves casually)

NEAR:  
(sighs)  
I have a feeling this is going to be a very long nine months.

FADE OUT

END OF EPISODE 1

* * *

Oh, man, this thing was a bitch and a half to edit to get it right! -passes out-

Anyways, I did this in the form of a screenplay because one day I hope to cosplay it! And if any of you and your Death-Note cosplaying friends want to reenact this, feel free to ask! I'd love to see it! ^w^ This is an ametuer screenplay, seeing as I didn't obey some of the rules, but I still think it's pretty good.

If you're wondering why Near is in teh Kira Investigation HQ, don't ask. He's there because I said so, as are Mello and Matt, but they'll be coming in later.

Tell me what you think!!! I want to know!

Thanks you! Reveiws are rewarded with Kudos and a muffin! Not just any muffin, a magical rainbow muffin! 8DDDD

~_UltraVioletSpectrum_ (aka Mo)


	2. Episode 2

EXT.- BALCONY- EARLY EVENING- EST.

FADE IN

L and LIGHT are seated at the small picnic table on the dimly lighted balcony, looking bored and tired after a day of working nonstop on the investigation, and for L, dealing with the new experience of pregnancy as well. LIGHT is reading a novel with sprezzatura, avoiding any conversation with L for the time being. L, sitting in his signature crouch, is wearing a very dull and bored expression, looking off-screen into the distance, fidgeting and twiddling his thumbs.

LIGHT:  
(abruptly)  
So… feeling any better lately?

L:  
(a little startled by LIGHT's outburst, but controls it)  
Not really. I've been feeling like crap all day, what with these stupid cramps and short bursts of anger. Now I know what being a woman is like. (sighs forlornly) I guess I'll get used to it, though.

LIGHT:  
(shrugs)  
Maybe.

There is a calm, if not a little awkward, silence.

L:  
(suddenly; face scrunched up with realization)  
I'm hungry.

LIGHT:  
(slightly confused)  
But you just ate an hour ago. I bet you money that that metric ton of sweets you ate in the previous hour hasn't been properly digested yet.

L:  
If that's so, then why do I feel ravenous? Maybe it's one of those strange pregnancy quirks.

LIGHT:  
Stop trying to blame everything on pregnancy, Ryuzaki. I'm sure it'll pass.

L:  
(slightly annoyed, after a beat)  
…Light, listen to this.

LIGHT leans forward to listen to whatever L is talking about. After a beat, as if on cue, L's stomach rumbles audibly, indicating his recently acquired appetite. LIGHT raises an eyebrow before leaning back in his previous position.

L: (CONT'D)  
You can't call this just a minor craving. I'm telling you, it's pregnancy foible. I'm about 96-perecent sure.

LIGHT:  
I don't know what to tell you, Ryuzaki. You'll just have to wait until breakfast.

L:  
But that's hours from now! I think I'll starve to death before that time… if you find me lying on the couch with my eyes closed tonight, don't bother checking for a pulse.

LIGHT rolls his eyes as NEAR enters the scene, carrying a tray of sweets, much to L's delight. L's stomach rumbles ferociously as he stares at it, licking his lips.

INSERT- FOOD TRAY

NEAR:  
(smiling playfully, a unusual expression for him)  
It sounds like you're hungry.

L:  
That's an understatement. (grabs tray from NEAR and instantly shoves his mouth full of food; words are muffled) Thank you.

LIGHT scrunches up his nose in disgust as he watches L eat. Shaking his head, he turns to NEAR.

LIGHT:  
What brings you up here?

NEAR:  
(shrugging)  
I don't know. I just felt like watching the sun set is all. And I had a feeling Ryuzaki would want something to snack on… er… well, maybe "snack" isn't strong enough a word.

LIGHT and NEAR both look at L, LIGHT primarily with disgust. L looks up from plate of food, mouth shoved.

L:  
(muffled)  
What?

NEAR:  
Anyways, I've been doing some research on pregnancy. Apparently there's no such thing as men having childbirth, so Ryuzaki is officially a legend, not counting his position as the world's greatest detective.  
(beat)  
But that's beside the point. I found a website that lists all the symptoms and side-effects of pregnancy, and I think you should come and take a look at it.

NEAR and LIGHT get up to exit the balcony. L, regardless, still gorges on tray of sweets NEAR gave to him. There is a pause.

NEAR: (O.S)  
Aren't you coming?

L:  
(looks up, incredulous)  
And leave this holy plate of sugary goodness? Not on your life.

NEAR: (O.S)  
What if I told you there was chocolate cake involved?

L:  
(hastily)  
Then I'd say that I was coming with you.

L looks down at the plate of sweets apologetically.

L: (CONT'D)  
I'm sorry, my darlings, but I am in need of chocolate cake.

L gets up, a little reluctantly, and, with a final look of longing at the plate of sweets still needing to be devoured, follows LIGHT and NEAR to exit off the balcony.

SMASH CUT

INT.- KIRA INVESTIGATION HQ COMPUTER ROOM- CONT.

NEAR is sitting in a rolling office chair, in control of the mouse and keyboard, and flanked by LIGHT and L. L is seated beside NEAR on a another rolling office chair in his signature crouch. His round belly is bulging out sideways in this seating manner, much to his dismay. LIGHT chooses not to sit, but stand, leaning nonchalantly on the desktop. Their eyes are fixated at the computer screen, apparently reading the website's contents.

NEAR:  
Okay, here's the website. All of these reactions apply to women, Ryuzaki, so chances are, you won't experience a few of them.

L:  
Thank God.

LIGHT:  
Don't be all worried about it, it'll only be for nine months.

L:  
That's like saying you have to wait five years for your favorite author's next book to come out. It'll get to your head eventually, and make you insane… and I don't need that to happen to my exquisite brain.

NEAR:  
(butts in abruptly)  
Anyways, I'll read off the list to you.

NEAR pauses to scroll down with the mouse.

NEAR: (CONT'D)  
The first symptom it says on here is a thing called "morning sickness". You apparently get nausea and it may even lead up to vomiting. It's a thing with the hormones… something-or-other. Chances are, you'll have this.

L:  
(groans)  
I hate throwing up.

LIGHT:  
I think everyone does, Ryuzaki.

NEAR:  
Second side-effect is fatigue. I can already tell you're experiencing that.

L:  
What? How?

NEAR:  
Those dark circles under your eyes have gotten more evident since I figured out you were pregnant. Don't be scared to sleep for even an hour, okay? We don't want you passing out on us.

L:  
But I need to… ah, never mind.

NEAR:  
Side-effect number three is cravings and increased appetite… I already know you've got that, so we can scratch that off the "you-won't-get-it" list.

L's stomach rumbles loudly, making LIGHT turn to look at him with an eyebrow raised.

L:  
Speaking of which, where's that chocolate cake you promised me?

NEAR:  
I didn't promise you anything. I just said it was involved. Obviously it's one of your cravings, so we can count it as being involved in the subject.

L:  
(wryly)  
Dirty, traitorous little rat…

NEAR:  
The next one is… er… implantation bleeding.

Everyone looks a little disgusted at this. There is a short, awkward pause.

LIGHT:  
(hesitantly)…Any implants lately, Ryuzaki? God knows _why_ you would want one…

L:  
Hell no. I have to agree with you for once, that's just sick.

NEAR:  
The next side-effect is delayed menstruation. Men don't go through menstruation, so we know you won't experience any of that.

L:  
Thank God.

NEAR:  
The next side-effect here would be… swollen and/or tender breasts.

Everyone is a little disgusted at this as well. L looks very shocked. There is another short, awkward silence. NEAR and LIGHT turns to L, expecting an answer. L stays silent, blinking at them.

NEAR:  
…Don't need to go there. All right, next up is… backaches and headaches.

L:  
Don't even get me _started_ on those. Erg… just thinking about it makes my head hurt.

NEAR:  
Okay. You have that… this next one is… uh… darkened areolas. "The skin around your nipples might grow darker"…

Everyone is genuinely disgusted at this. NEAR and LIGHT are flabbergasted, and L looks very uncomfortable. They both turn their eyes to L, who starts to actually blush under their gaze.

LIGHT:  
…Oh, lord… where did I turn wrong?

NEAR:  
…All-righty, then… last but not least, the final side-effect is frequent urination.

L:  
"Frequent" doesn't even cover it… how about every five minutes? That sounds about right.

NEAR:  
Does anyone else think this got maybe a little too personal…?

LIGHT:  
Nonsense. This is just like typical Yagami-family dinner table conversation.

L:  
(incredulous)  
Your family talks about nipple skin at the dinner table?! Geez, and they call _me_ peculiar!

LIGHT does a facepalm with an aggravated groan. NEAR rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

L:  
Well, I think I've learned something today.

NEAR:  
Really? What is it?

L:  
Never bring up the subject of nipple skin at the dinner table. Your child will lose their innocence almost instantly… along with perhaps their sanity.

LIGHT:  
Will you stop with the nipple skin thing, already?!

NEAR:  
Ryuzaki… that isn't what you learned today…

L:  
Oh. Well, I guess I didn't learn anything then. Three cheers for no morals. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find some chocolate cake and use the restroom.

L gets up and leaves nonchalantly.

NEAR:  
(exasperatedly)I repeat: I have a feeling this is going to be a very long nine months.

LIGHT:  
Don't remind me.

L: (O.S.)  
…Nipple skin.

LIGHT:  
_SHUT UP, RYUZAKI_!

FADE OUT

END OF EPISODE 2

* * *

Kehe, nipple skin. xDDDDDD Somone needs to bring that up at the dinner table and tell me how it goes. 8DDDDDDDDDDD

I love this episode SO. FREAKING. MUCH. I love how Near is a total smartass at L with the chocolate cake and L is beingall pouty and melodramatic about stuff. They all seem a little OOC, but that's okay, because it's a parody, and they're supposed to be a little OOC.

Er... what else? Oh yeah, those are all real side-effects. I looked them up myself, and I can tell you right now, I'm not planning on having a kid any time soon. 8D;

Enjoy! Reveiws not only get a rainbow muffin, but L's chocolate cake! 8DDDDD -is evil-

~_UltraVioletSpectrum_ (aka Mo)


	3. Episode 3

INT.- L'S ROOM- EVENING- EST.

FADE IN

L is curled up in bed, sleeping, an unusual turn of events. The blankets are wrapped all around him, and he is gripping on the pillow tightly. He looks noticeably under the weather. LIGHT opens the door just a crack, very slowly. Once he's sure it's okay to go in, he enters silently and walks up to the edge of L's bed.

LIGHT:  
(softly)  
…Ryuzaki?

L stirs with a muffled groan. He opens his eyes slowly, looking barely awake.

L:  
(sleepily)  
What do you want, Light?

LIGHT:  
You need to get up. There's something you need to look at.

L:  
(groans)  
Can it wait? I'm tired and I don't feel at all well.

LIGHT:  
(a little impatiently)  
No, it can't. It's important, and you need to see this.

L:  
Light, I'm sure you can just show me in the morning. I already told you, I'm tired and I feel sick, so it can wait.

LIGHT:  
Ryuzaki, I don't have time for this. You'll benefit from it.

L:  
No means no.

LIGHT:  
(angrily)  
…Why don't you _bite me_?

L:  
(irritably)  
Bite your own self, now go away.

LIGHT loses his temper and grips on L's ankles tightly. L is instantly awake, hissing out protests. LIGHT pulls L off the bed and drags him out the door by his ankles stiffly. L digs his fingers into the carpet, trying to stop LIGHT from taking him, but his attempts are in vain as he is pulled out the door.

INT.- KIRA INVESTIGATION HQ COMPUTER ROOM- CONT.

NEAR, MELLO and MATT are all seated in their own singular rolling office chair, flanked by one another. MELLO looks reluctant to be in the room, scowling and muttering profanities under his breath. MATT is asleep in his chair, head resting on his fist, snoring lightly. NEAR looks very bored, chewing his nails and flicking at the corner of the folder in his lap. They all jump when LIGHT enters, dragging the ever-reluctant L in with him.

LIGHT:  
(dryly)  
I got him.

LIGHT drops L's ankles. L groans, muffled with his face pressed against the floor.

MELLO:  
About damn time!

MATT:  
(drowsily)  
The cookies… they'll be back… with a vengeance.

MATT falls back to sleep. MELLO slaps him on the back of the head, making MATT wake up and cry out the following line.

MATT:  
_CHOCOLATE CHIP_!!! Oh God, they were _everywhere_! The peanut butter had sided with the oatmeal raisin, and formed a super-strong allegiance! And the sugars… they were armed with active grenades! It was a battle to behold!

MELLO:  
…You play _way_ too many video games.

NEAR:  
Ryuzaki, please get up, I have something to show you.

L:  
(moans in pain)  
Ooooh… my stomach…

LIGHT rolls his eyes, grabs L under his armpits, and lifts him up into a chair next to MATT, who is still ranting about his fabled cookie war. L realizes what sitting position he's in, and hastily sits in his signature crouch. He winces and clutches his round belly in pain.

NEAR:  
Okay, we got the results from that ultrasound test you had last week.

MATT:  
And then one of the sugars hurled a grenade at one of the chocolate chips and—

MELLO slaps MATT in the back of the head again. MATT yelps in pain and rubs the back of his head, shrinking back.

NEAR:  
Thank you, Mello. So as I was saying—

L:  
(tiredly, attempting to hide pain)  
Light, will you please fetch me a coffee? I really need one.

LIGHT:  
(bows mockingly, spite in his tone)  
As you wish, your majesty.

LIGHT leaves the room, muttering under his breath with clenched fists. L sighs and rubs his eyes.

NEAR:  
(faking a smile)  
…Are you ready now, Ryuzaki?

L:  
Yes, yes. Go on.

NEAR:  
Okay, we got the results back from your ultrasound, and I'm afraid there might be a problem… how do I put it…?

MATT:  
Just tell him like it is, Near.

L:  
Is it something I'll be upset upon hearing?

NEAR:  
I'm not sure, that why I don't how to tell you.

LIGHT enters carrying a cup of coffee in his hand, still looking angry. L thanks LIGHT and grabs the coffee, taking a grateful sip.

L:  
Just tell me.

NEAR:  
Okay, then… ahhhh… I'm afraid you actually won't be having any child after all.

L:  
(very shocked)  
_What_?!

L flips is coffee upward by accident in his alarm, sending the searing hot liquid flying and spilling all over poor MATT.

MATT:  
(screams in pain)  
**AAAUGHH!!!**

MATT cringes, arms flailing, and tips the chair over backwards in the process. Everyone looks in his direction with a worried expression. MATT writhes on the ground, moaning in pain.

MATT:  
(exasperatedly)  
Thank you, Ryuzaki. I needed that. You have really nice aim… very on-the-spot… oowww…

L:  
Sorry about that, Matt. But anyways… I thought I was pregnant! You even established it!

NEAR:  
I'm aware of that. But shortly after the ultrasound, the physicians confirmed that the child had a heart murmur… it's been untreated for weeks, so they came to a conclusion that in a few days, the child will die inside… wherever the fetus is.

L:  
So I'll be carrying a dead child inside of me for God knows how long?

NEAR:  
(shrugs)  
I suppose so. There's nothing to change this predicament, so…

L:  
(is clearly shaken and upset)  
…Wow… I didn't see this coming at all…

MELLO:  
I don't think anyone did… hell, I just found out that you were pregnant only yesterday!

L:  
(confused, pointing to stomach)  
You mean to say that you didn't notice this?

MELLO:  
…Well, yes, but…

NEAR:  
I've also figured out something else… you, from this moment on, will be going through menstruation.

L:  
Say _what_?!

L pauses, then flicks cup of coffee again, to have it spill onto MATT once again, this time right in his face. MATT screams in pain, clutching his face and wiping the coffee hastily off his skin. L hands his now empty coffee cup to LIGHT.

MATT:  
Thank you again! Dammit… that was hotter than the first! Heh heh… oowww…

MELLO & LIGHT:  
(simultaneously)  
_What_?!

NEAR:  
You heard me. Ryuzaki will have at least one womanly characteristic now: he'll have a monthly period henceforth.

L:  
B-b-but… how?!

NEAR:  
I myself don't know, but the doctors confirmed so… if it's any consolation, I got someone to go out and buy you a year's supply of tampons.

L spits out a mouthful of coffee at this statement, right in MATT's face yet again.

MATT:  
Oh, come _on_! He didn't even have a cup this time!

L:  
Tampons? _Tampons_?! Oh God, why _tampons_?! Why didn't you just get sanitary pads instead?

NEAR:  
I thought girls only used tampons…

MELLO:  
What did you think the pads were for… explosive diarrhea?!

NEAR:  
…Yes.

LIGHT:  
WOAH! Too much information! Ew…

L:  
Is that all, Near?

NEAR:  
Yes.

L:  
Good. Ugh… my stomach hurts… I feel like barfing all over the place.

MATT scoots away toward MELLO self-consciously, afraid he'll be the one getting barfed on, like the situation with the coffee.

L:  
Can I go back to sleep now?

NEAR:  
Sure.

L gets up and leaves, clutching his stomach, looking ill and exhausted. MELLO and MATT get up and head in the opposite direction, looking drowsy. NEAR leaves, too, yawning and stretching. LIGHT lingers behind, though. He sits cross-legged in the office chair, thinking hard.

LIGHT:  
No more child, eh? Ryuzaki is sure to get over the symptoms soon. But what fun is that? Seeing him suffer is so fun to watch. And besides, there's always the chance that he could have died during childbirth…

LIGHT has an epiphany. He smiles evilly, eyes turning ruby red. He gets up and heads up to L's room, laughing evilly all the while.

FADE OUT

END OF EPISODE THREE

* * *

Aaand now we bring Matt and Mello into the picture. And I get to spill lava-hot coffee onto Matt, because it's fun! Mwahaha... dun worry, I still luff Matt. *huggle*

Oooh, what's Kira-Light gonna do now? You'll just have to wait!

THe parts where L spills teh coffee on Matt is based off a Crash of the Titans cutscene... which is an awesome one, btw. It's the one where Cortex gets replaced by Nina. I've never even played that game, but I found the cutscene randomly on YT, and thought it was cool, so, yeah. I DIDN'T COPY IT WORD-FOR-WORD.

I still think the tampon thing is funny. Along with Matt's imaginary cookie wars... I wonder what smoke HE's cracking. lol

Reveiws will now earn a rainbow muffin, L's chocolate cake, and a free cup of coffee to douse Matt with!!! 8DDDDD

~_UltraVioletSpectrum_ (aka Mo)


End file.
